Empathy in Action: Understanding What Helps and What Hurts - Part 3: "You can always try again"

In the realm of pregnancy and infant loss, navigating the delicate balance between offering support and unintentionally causing further pain can be fraught with challenges. Today, we embark on a journey to explore a phrase often spoken with the best of intentions but with the potential to wound deeply:

"You can always try again"

In the midst of grief, when the soul is raw with loss, the phrase "You can always try again" echoes with unintended insensitivity. It suggests a future action in the face of present heartache, inadvertently implying that the child lost can simply be replaced. For the grieving mother, the child who was growing within her was already a beloved part of her family, irreplaceable and unique. The possibility of another pregnancy does not erase the pain of this loss, nor does it address the love and anticipation that was felt for this child.

We must acknowledge that each pregnancy carries its own hopes, dreams, and love from the very beginning. The loss of a pregnancy is the loss of this specific, irreplaceable child, and in recognizing this, we honor the depth of the mother’s grief. Rather than suggesting an uncertain future, let us offer support for the pain of the present, affirming that their loss is significant and that their feelings are valid.

What to say instead

In seeking to provide comfort, let us focus on the heart, not on the hypothetical.

Consider saying:

"Words seem so inadequate at a time like this, yet I want you to know how deeply I care. Your sorrow is valid, and while the path of grief is yours to walk, you do not walk it alone. I am here to listen, to sit in silence, to pray with you, and to offer my shoulder and my time. Your child was a precious life, a unique soul who will always be part of your story, and I am here to remember with you, to honor that life, and to support you in the love that endures beyond loss. Your journey through this time may be difficult, but I am here to accompany you with a heart full of prayer, love, and presence."

In embracing this approach, we extend a hand to the grieving, offering them the companionship and understanding they need, rather than suggestions that look past their current pain. It is through this sharing of burdens that we fulfill the love of Christ, bearing one another's burdens with love and empathy.

Empathy in Action: Understanding What Helps and What Hurts - Part 2: "You're Still Young"

In the journey through grief, there are moments when words, however well-intentioned, can inadvertently deepen the ache rather than soothe it. In our ongoing exploration of what helps and what hurts after pregnancy and infant loss, we need to discuss a phrase often uttered with the sincerest of intentions but with potentially hurtful impact:

“You’re still young…”

In the shadow of loss, where the heart grapples with pain, the words "Well… You’re still young" may be spoken as an attempt to paint a picture of hope and future possibilities. However, this phrase, perhaps unintentional in its slight, can minimize the depth of grief felt here and now. The age of a woman does not measure the capacity of her love, nor does it shield her from the sorrow of miscarriage. The loss is devastating at any stage of life, and the yearning for the child she has lost is not lessened by the number of years she has lived.

This grief is not a matter of time or age but a moment of love interrupted, a connection with a precious life that cannot be replaced by youth or the hope of future pregnancies. Each life is unique, each loss is deeply felt, and each mother’s pain deserves to be met with acknowledgment and grace, not comparison or consolation.

What to say instead

In seeking to comfort, let us remember that the ministry of presence often speaks louder than words. If words must be spoken, let them be thoughtful, gentle, and reflective of God's unending compassion.

Consider saying:

"I wish I had the words to ease the pain you're feeling. I may not fully understand the depth of your loss, but I stand with you in your sorrow. Your baby's life was a precious gift, and your love for them was not determined by the time you had together. God's love covers you and your little one, and He holds you both now. I am here for you, to listen, to comfort, and to journey with you through this time of healing. You are not alone, for God is with us, and His love is steadfast through every season of life."

By offering such words, we do not dismiss the pain but rather affirm their love, their loss, and the God who weaves their story with threads of grace and hope.

Empathy in Action: Understanding What Helps and What Hurts - Part 1: "Everything Happens for a Reason"

In a world where nearly 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, the silent prevalence of this grief touches more lives than we might imagine. This statistic is not just a number—it represents neighbors, friends, family members, and perhaps even you. When faced with such a loss, our instinct is to reach out with words meant to bandage the wounds of those we love. Yet, despite our best intentions, these words can sometimes cast shadows on the path to healing, offering little comfort to the grieving heart. Sometimes our attempts at comfort serve to ease our own discomfort with their pain, acting as a balm for our own souls rather than theirs. This is not an admonishment, for truly, the landscape of loss is treacherous, and to navigate it gracefully is no small feat.

 

Are You Speaking Life or Death?

Consider the wisdom of Proverbs 18:21, which tells us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." Words, when wielded without thought, can be unwitting harbingers of pain. Before we reach out in support it is crucial to pause and ponder—will our words be a bridge or a barrier to healing? This is not to say that you should shy away from reaching out; your support is a beacon of hope in the fog of sorrow.

Over the next few weeks we will discuss common phrases that are often shared with those enduring the pain of pregnancy loss, accompanied by insights into why they may hinder rather than help. Fear not, for we will also explore how to genuinely express your support in a way that uplifts and affirms.

Join me as we seek to understand the heart of those who grieve, that we might be better companions on their journey through the valleys of loss. Your presence and love are invaluable gifts in these times of healing.

We're kicking things off by diving into one of the most frequently heard phrases when consoling a mother grieving the loss of her baby:

“Everything happens for a reason”

In the tender aftermath of loss, the words "Everything happens for a reason" can sound like a distant echo, void of the warmth and understanding needed in a time of grief. While this phrase is often spoken with the intent to provide comfort, it can unwittingly seem to diminish the very real and present pain of losing something as precious as the hope of a child. In the rawness of such a moment, the heart cannot grasp a reason that justifies its sorrow. It is not the logic of purpose that heals, but the love and presence of God that binds up the brokenhearted.

God's tapestry of life is woven with threads of joy and sorrow, mystery and clarity, pain and comfort. In His sovereign design, He creates beauty from the ashes of our deepest hurts (Isaiah 61:3), yet He does not dismiss our pain. Instead, He sits with us in it, offering His unfathomable peace and comfort. Our words to those who mourn should reflect this divine empathy, not seeking to explain the inexplicable, but to assure them of God's abiding presence and love in their darkest times.

What to Say Instead

Let us then offer words that do not attempt to rationalize the unthinkable but that acknowledge the depth of pain while affirming the promise of God's redemptive love. Let us say:

"My heart aches with you in this time of loss. It's hard to see through the pain now, but we hold onto the truth that God is with us in every moment of suffering. His love is unchanging, His compassion knows no end, and His arms are always open to give refuge and strength. I am here for you, to listen, to pray, and to stand with you in hope, trusting that God will bring healing in His time and way. He is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit. Your pain is not unseen, and your tears are not forgotten. Together, let us lean on His everlasting arms, which hold the promise of a comfort that surpasses all understanding, and a peace that will, in time, ease the sting of loss."